Many couples come into therapy expecting to fix their fights. However, the most challenging part is not ending the constant arguing but rebuilding the connection. Dr. Elina Cymerman, a clinical psychologist with over twenty years of experience, helps couples understand why they feel disconnected in the first place. She sees conflict as just a symptom, not the root problem.
In Dr. Cymerman’s view, most couples don’t argue about what they think they’re arguing about—the dishes, finances, parenting, and so on. These are just frustrations that exist on top of deeper feelings of being unseen, unacknowledged, and unappreciated. Therapy can often get to these underlying feelings to kick start a rebuilding that fosters long-term connection.
Why Couples Drift Apart
Relationships change over time. In the early stages, partners feel emotionally close. But as life gets busier, that connection can weaken. Before they know it, a once-happy couple becomes emotionally distant. They don’t spend enough time and energy on their relationship to notice how it changes over time or understand why—they just grow apart.
Dr. Cymerman says disconnection is like a small leak that sinks the ship slowly. “Small moments of neglect can add up to create a perfect storm where things start to go downhill. For instance, a partner who used to hang on to every word now seems distracted or uninterested. Or when physical intimacy doesn’t exist anymore, adding to more tension and distance in the relationship. Eventually, both partners feel alone even when together.
When that disconnection happens, many couples assume they’ve fallen out of love with each other and split up. But in reality, they’ve just let the habits that held their relationship together slip away—that bond still exists somewhere beneath the surface. Therapy can bring back the spark, paving the way for healing and getting back together.
The Role of Attachment in Relationships
Relationships are often plagued by problems traced back to early attachment dynamics. The bonding quality a couple experiences during their first relationship often defines how well they’ll relate and respond to intimacy throughout their subsequent relationship life.
Dr. Cymerman also believes how we learn to give and receive love as children forms the templates for our adult relationships. Some people shy away from conflict because they fear rejection. Others might become excessively needy because they need constant reassurance. When both partners understand each other’s attachment style, they can respond more emphatically to one another.
Understanding attachment style also helps couples figure out what could trigger any unhealthy relationship patterns. If one partner always gives while the other takes without giving back, that’s a perfect recipe for intensified resentment. Therapy can help partners rebalance their emotional exchanges and learn to support each other better emotionally.
Communication That Strengthens Connection
Fighting often happens when partners feel unheard. One person speaks, and the other reacts defensively, escalating the conversation into criticism and leaving both feeling worse.
Dr. Cymerman works with couples to change how they communicate. Rather than getting mad, she asks partners to “go slower and listen.” Repeating back exactly what your partner says can help. Saying something like, “I hear that you feel like I don’t think you’re important when I come home late,” is much more effective than trying to prove who’s right.
It does not take a lot of effort for couples to rebuild trust in their relationships. Simple things like maintaining eye contact, speaking gently, and expressing gratitude work wonders.
One key technique Dr. Cymerman emphasizes is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Saying, “I feel hurt when you don’t check in with me,” will get a much less defensive response than “You never care about me.” In simple terms, altering how concerns are presented can change the dynamics of any conversation in a relationship.
Rebuilding Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Emotional and physical intimacy are two key pillars of any strong relationship. Unfortunately, when couples fight, they pull their affectionate touch away. This sets up a cycle where the emotional distance breeds less physical touch, reinforcing the existing emotional distance.
Dr. Cymerman helps couples break this cycle by encouraging small actions that build emotional safety. Often, small gestures—holding hands, hugging, or checking in during the day—can make a big difference in helping couples feel more connected.
For many couples, getting sexually intimate is also a meaningful way to connect. Therapy helps address hesitations or past wounds that create barriers to sexual intimacy. Even a simple action or gesture, such as a non-sexual touch, can deepen a couple’s connection and build trust and intimacy with one another.
Beyond physical touch, couples also need to feel emotionally safe with each other. This means sharing feelings openly without fear of judgment or dismissal. Creating this level of emotional safety takes time and practice, but doing so is key to a long-term connection.
Creating a New Relationship Pattern
Many couples fall into predictable patterns. One partner disengages and the other pursues. One complains, and the other withdraws. Breaking these patterns takes effort, but it is possible. Dr. Cymerman helps couples build new interaction habits by requesting regularly scheduled time for connection, whether through date nights or daily conversations. She also teaches couples how to identify the predictable patterns a relationship takes and ways to reduce these patterns for a more fulfilling relationship.
In addition, Dr. Cymerman teaches couples how to voice their needs clearly rather than through frustration. Healing a relationship does not mean stopping arguing. It means learning to turn toward each other instead of away, as arguments don’t come as often when couples reconnect. Dr. Cymerman suggests that couples ‘revisit the beginning’ and remember what they loved about each other in the first place. Pulling out old photo albums, discussing favorite memories, or recreating a memorable date can rekindle emotional closeness.
The Path Forward
Stopping fights is the first and easiest step in couples’ therapy. Lasting healing and change require emotional understanding, connection, and learning new patterns. Dr. Cymerman focuses on creating long-term emotional security to help couples stop fighting and strengthen their bond. She helps couples deepen their emotional connection and learn to address relationship or marriage issues before they become bigger problems. Her therapy sessions also equip couples with the right tools to handle future challenges in their relationships.
With these tools, couples can move from frustration to closeness and strengthen their relationship. Ultimately, they can build a relationship where each partner feels valued, heard, and connected. After all, the most successful couples aren’t those who avoid all conflict—they are those who learn how to disagree while staying emotionally connected.